"I HATE MYSELF" - Regarding this angry time

     In my dream last night, I was the extreme version of my Self that I cannot bear. So angry, hurt, aggressive, forlorn- screaming at, pushing at, and raging against my perceived offender. I could tell my actions were killing the love, and I kept trying to stop and start again, fresh, but I could not sustain it. My fear was enormous. To end the immense suffering, I kept wanting to step out into oncoming traffic, and eventually laid myself down on the sidewalk, kicking my legs like a tantruming three year old, screaming at the top of my lungs "I hate myself"...repeatedly. I woke up feeling very sick in the heart.

     The theme/flow of this time, with this great shift, is quite forward today and the last 3 days. It seems to have spiked. So many reporting tremendous suffering, and anger seems to be the driving force. My dream of last night confirms this is some self-hate infiltration.

When another reflects that which we dislike about ourselves, the discomfort experienced often leads to a demand that corrective action be taken. Mistakenly, we want the reflector to be the one to take it, but they are not the source, so no action taken by them can restore us to sustainable peace. If we know we are the source, we go inward for healing. In terms of purely offensive attacks, it is reasonable to say "hey, when you hit me on the head with that baseball bat, it hurts. Stop now." But if they won't stop, then we must move our own head, and that means letting go of whatever made us want to stand there in the first place. Both fear and pride have kept many in a place of hurt. At that point, it is self-inflicted. Courage to let go yields unparalleled results.

It can be 'easier' to get involved in the blame game. It's work-free, while highly counterproductive. It requires no humility, whereas identifying one's own part brings the bitter taste of humble pie. But humble pie is chock full of all the essential nutrients for nourishing and conditioning the heart, mind, and Spirit, so eat up! No one can do more in advocacy for your comfort than you. You know your pain better than any, so it is logical, not to mention empowering, that you be the one to tend that pain. One of the great benefits, among many, is you don't have to wait around for anyone to do anything to be restored to comfort.

All that said, caring for the Self can be quite challenging; to do, with Love, what you know is good for you, knowing that others might push-back, resist, reject, even attempt to punish. Knowing what is good for you is often where we spend the most time feeling lost. It can be frightening to make a choice and gallop out of the gate. But there is protection in authenticity and intention. Together, they form a light-shield that lets the love, but not the lie pass through it.

     ANGER: Feel it, name it, determine it's usefulness (it has a purpose), give thanks for it, and then let it burn with everything else that no longer serves you. The tarot card for this time is the Tower, for those who dabble. Also, there is a theme of the card 'Cruelty' (forced endings). The latter is convoluted, as the cruelty is being experienced by those walking the masters path, and in some cases, moving them into anger, resulting in potent, directed power of the negative variety. The cruelty results of the lack of compassion- when the lover's heart turns cold, and the love flow slows, or is even arrested. The 'masters-pathers' are being asked to step-it up, and deeply in.

     Third eye display reads:
     ~SURVIVAL OF THE SPIRITUALLY FITTEST~
     ....for about a year now.

     Whatever this means to you, deepen the practice that keeps you fit. This is a work time. And just as all hard-laborers do, we must rest, eat, and love well to keep the flow sustainable.

     Keep your truth flowing out, especially if you find it ugly. Express it as art, whenever possible. Write it, sing it, dance it, paint it, sculpt it out. Or just speak of it with the intention to free it, and yourSelf.

     This is a great time for confession....stuff like 'I feel ugly, worthless, lost, dismayed, mean, stupid, like a failure...I did this cruel thing, I lied, I tricked, I stole'...whatever your truth is, better out than in, yes? Yes. Be descriptive. Every detail identified can then call to itself the healing. It has been said "you must name it to banish it". I did not think this was wise or true at one time, but I have learned. In my experience, it does work to name it, then banish it.

     The illusion that you are alone, or somehow failing at life because the darkness gets to you, is just that- an illusion. We are all here together, in this dark moment, affecting one another. Every act of care, love, courage and strength is healing to the body of One as a whole, just as every act of hate, harm and cruelty depletes One.

     That which you do for yourSelf, you do for others, and that which you do for others, you do for yourSelf. Take care of your Self!

     Bless the power of your truth, and may your courage always be triple the weight and strength of your fear.

     All ways Love,
     Gaia

MEDITATION ON LOVE- 1

     ~To experience pain every day is also to constantly have love illuminated; pain magnifies love~

For anything to be fixed, someone or thing has to get in there and take a look at what's going on. Sometimes it's me who does it, sometimes a friend or partner. A timely judgment, misunderstanding, challenge, compliment, merging, or sharing can burst the door open into a tender, forgotten world; spiraling caverns of fear and hope.

We must love deeply, fully, wholly, so that our most intimate loved ones can get in close, nearest our inner cuts and scrapes, and co-create with us- by the acts of love-making, hugging, kissing, listening, laughing and breathing together- a nourishing, nurturing salve, capable of restoring the heart to calm, allowing for the gentle, joyful opening. The true lover enters willingly, effortlessly, gently, and honored, for she loves to see him deep in love. She knows his heart must be strong and open for it.

Within these caves, occasionally a lover passes a reflective pool, and sees something uncomely. She spits into it, attempting to distort or rearrange what is seen. If she does not recognize the image is a reflection, she will project her desire for improvement onto her lover, thinking it is him, driving him distant with sadness and madness, dismayed by her constant judgment and disappointment. (I have done this....I apologize, again, sincerely.)

If she knows it is herself she sees, she will journey inward to Spirit for correction, with the support of her lover, who gave her his heart space in which to safely be revealed to herself. Praise be. To be in the heart of your beloved when your own pain-truth comes in is a highest, holiest blessing. (I have experienced this. I thank you, again, sincerely).


~God, give me to the love that brings You out the most.
Always, all ways~

Amelia on Sex

     A beloved teacher reminds me that we do not have to chase the experiences that are right for us. They come to us, effortlessly. I have observed so many men step to me and other women seeking a sexual experience. Chasing it. I know they are in their nature. I have chased. No judgment necessary, just a response.

     I am a spirit-woman- Spirit manifest- and so a spiritualized experience "he" will get......if he gets it, which he almost always doesn't, because he is guided by a lower-self agenda, while I am drawn to the highest pleasures, explorings, combinings, and transcendences.

     Many men think this type of presence and performance equates or will lead to some sort of commitment, and reserve it for "serious" relationships. Yes, it does lead to a commitment, but not the one they're thinking. It's a commitment to raising the barre, seriously. It's a commitment to acts of self-respect and integrity, seriously. It's extra effort, more sweet and special treatment, and firm honesty and courage, seriously. Certainly, it can be for just one night, but it will bring the pleasure of many! SERIOUSLY!!!

     The woman worthy of this (well, all are worthy, but not all are prepared) will have the same to offer, graciously and generously. Both lovers will be free of expectations, clear in boundaries, and given entirely to the innumerable possibilities of "what is."

     Here is the best part-
Necessary communication will take place previous to the Great Getting It On. This is what separates the men from the boys! The Prince makes his mistake and learns his lesson. The King already knows his mistakes, and implements his learnedness prophylactically. This action is rooted in love and esteem for Self, and ultimately, other. The seasoned, righteous man knows he will reach greater heights with a willing and informed partner.

     In my case, the creative energy retained in celibacy yields a power which drives my art. There is nothing I want more, for my art is my expression of God. The creative energy of sex can do the same, given the above mentioned aspects are in place.

     If "he" does get it, it's because it was always going to be art. I show up energetic and creative for art. I mean, sex is at least a dance, if not a song, a chant, an improv performance piece. At LEAST! Offer me no less!

     So, in closing, when and if you step to me and other amazing women, be creative and prepared, with dope skills, good supplies, and tons of RESPECT AND INTEGRITY. You get what you give, and that could get deliciously literal and magnificent real fast!

     Thank You.

♥

Illuminati love

*(updated opening paragraph 11/17/13)

The following is what I think I understand about the 'Lords Illuminati'. I previously said I was clear on this, but recently I have caught wind of some deeper insight. They have not been revealed to me yet. For the sake of the my original motivation to share this, I have left it in it's original form, but there is something missing. I might have a subconscious need to eliminate Satan based on my own prior experiences. This could very possibly skew my clarity. I am saying I just don't know if this is true right now, which is awesome. 'Illuminati' is possibly the wrong title. Please share your insight if you are so moved.
Here you go.... 

God was just "parent" until these entities (illuminati) hypnotized the weak, and had them call God 'Lord' -diminished in form, reduced to carnal evil. This was the conception of 'the devil'- a forged icon of darkness and power. Satan became the prototype around which they collectively assembled their creative thoughts to manifest their will, and a model to which they would all agree to aspire, knitting them tightly together, forming a nearly impenetrable net, fit to catch, enslave, and eventually consume all life it encountered. The only energy that passes through is fluid and flowing. Unbound, knowing what is....LIGHT~

For millennia, these men have forced what I'll call 'identity binding'. The accessible humans (the majority at times) have been groomed to define themselves by standards of dogma, built on fear, judgment, and an implanted sense of unworthiness. Cloaked within the indoctrination process* is a self-destruct sequence. If the human is never made aware of this, they will live out their role as commodity. Slave subjects are conditioned to cycle imagery and mantras, enabling the master to maintain continuous renewal of his infiltration into the slave's psyche. 

These entities breathe in rhythm with the 'devil'.

I breathe back at them, grand light and warm love, and bring forth my gratitude. I thank them for the contrast, which allows God to know it's greatness. I thank them for illumination.

We think we don't want evil, yet create it, in the name of love (God), and often we use it well. Yes, as with all, above and below, this is a process with an outcome subject to perception. It is a test.

All we have ever or will ever love, loathe, embrace or fear is God. There is nothing else.

Love,
One.

* in public school and media

SUCH A WORD!

     I often choose to use the word "God" (it is a word, and a word is what I need to do my talking). I mean for this post to illuminate that to which I am referring with this word. 

     Over the last 20 years, I have been taking back the word "God". It doesn't belong to any one religion or idea, myth or script. So many people cringe at the sound and thought of it, but I present that it is not God that is making them cringe, but the impact and impertinence of those who tout "the word of God" as law- fixed (like a boxing match), flawed, and foul. This is what foils the truth of "God". Who wouldn't cringe? 

     I assure you, I am clear of all that, while, ultimately, I am referring to the same energy. I have simply not assigned it any form or myth. It is not limited to or by the capacity of human perception, or even it's elaborate imaginings. I do not presume anything about God that I have not witnessed with my own senses. I experience it in it's nature: inspiration, destruction and creation. In this, it's eternality can be witnessed!

     "God" is something I sense, breathe, feel, hear....something to which I talk and listen, and with which I laugh heartily, and love immeasurably, as with all else (trees, bees, spiders, fleas, you, them)...

...as God is All else. 

     I have been seen talking to myself on the dance floor......now you know what's really happening. I am inspired, and engaged in a conversation with that which inspires. Always, all ways.

     My current favorite inspired words have been running across my third eye digital display for a good 8-10 months:

"God sees Itself, and falls deeply in love!" 

Yes, I know and live this truth!

~

Further clarification (while I'm at it):

When I say "bless," I mean for an abundance of beneficence to come to you. So..... 

Be blessed by God = Be inspired to creation, and brought to an abundance of beneficence.

Choose flexibilty, and RECEIVE!

All My Love.

EXTRAORDINARY THINGS

People say extraordinary things to me. A humble, strong, gorgeous soul will suddenly approach me and share the most exquisite truth about how they see, feel, and think about me. It is always strikingly poetic, it is always daringly authentic, and it always moves my heart to the fullest dance. My body follows. Yes, you inspire that movement in me. 

I know sometimes I make an awkward face. I am humbled, and calling forth grace. I used to carry a lot of arrogance to mask my insecurity. That face I make is my tell- I am checking myself, revealing a bit of insecurity, mask-free. I also don't know what to say sometimes. I know my "thank you" does not reveal the fathoms of love that are being evoked and shared in those moments. It is therefore we invoke the HUG, thank goodness. 

The hugs that come with these divine declarations are astounding.....fully magical. I cannot see you when I hug you, yet your beauty feels magnified.

~If there is something that you like or love about me,

that which you recognize is what I call "God".

I don't know what you call it, and I have no preference.~

I use other words such as "One, All, Great Mystery, Beloved, Essence, Force, Source, the Divine, and more. "Energy" is a great word for it, as used in both science and spirituality. It is accurate, and most inclusive. Perhaps you see me, and just think "Amelia". That is cool by me. "Amelia" is simply an identifier for an embodiment of the beloved, mysterious force and source of essential life energy. 

Thank you, with All I Am, described and understood uniquely by all.

Here is one thing about which I know we agree, and it is more than enough....

LOVE IS GRAND!

Power Period- part 1

      Hello friends! This is my first blog here, and it goes out to the LADIES! (and all you interested men). Non-serious and purposefully offensive comments will be deleted at the author's discretion. (that's me, so play nice!)

     This is a 2 part topic. In part 1 below, we discuss menstruation. In part 2, we will look at the source and impact of the myths, misunderstandings, misgivings and magic around menstruation. Part 2 includes a debunking and a re-educating about the cause and purpose for what we know as PMS.

Welcome to part 1. We are about to explore the reactivation of a mechanism that fell victim to "use it or lose it." We've lost it, but we can get it back, as well as next month's $15.

                                                                                  ~

     The following information is based on my personal experience....

     Not all cultures and communities have access to period products, and there certainly was a time in history when no such absorbent tools existed. So what did (or do) women do without pads, tampons, rags and such? Just walk around with blood streaming down their legs? Very likely not. Logic lead me to realize that, just like urine and feces, there must be a mechanism in charge of our menstrual blood flow. I don't know what it's called, but I know it's there, because about 8 years ago, mine activated, and I haven't had to use tampons or pads since. It's hard to believe, I know, yet it is absolutely true.

     When I was studying Lomilomi, my teacher guided us to "know your flows". I regard this man highly, so I have always put diligence to the tasks he recommended. I have long understood my monthly flow. It has remained quite regular, jumping to full moons and new moons with the equinoxes and solstices. Moving and travel can cause it to jump as well. In attuning to the subtle activities of my reproductive system during my moon (menses), I did not ever expect to arrive at the findings shared here.

     Basically, just like when it's time to evacuate the bladder or colon, there is an energetic indicator. A buzz or urge of sorts, that comes just before what I call "outflow"- that being the specific occasion when you let the blood that has accumulated in your uterus flow out of your body. We can call it something else if you like. The opening, the release. It's your experience.

     The benefit of not using anything to absorb or inhibit my flow is that I get to see exactly what is coming out of me in all it's various phases, helping me to understand what is going on hourly and daily. From what I have observed, like the bladder, my uterus gradually fills, gets evacuated, and fills again. I will reiterate, this is how my body works. I know women who say they flow non-stop, all day. However, it is my suspicion that this is at least in part, or in some circumstances, fully a result of the lost menses mechanism. 

THE MECHANISM-

Over the years, I have detected a nearly imperceptible constant kegel being maintained in the hours between outflow. It stands to reason that, if from the first period we get we put something in or outside of our bodies to absorb flow, that kegel rarely, if ever, gets activated. Eventually, the muscle in charge atrophies to the point of inadequacy, and we are rendered reliant on various absorbent wads of cotton to do the job our bodies once did effortlessly (control outflow).

     
    THE DETAILS: AN HOUR BY HOUR, 
    DAY BY DAY EXAMPLE:

     
     In my case, the first day, I suddenly feel I have to poop (which I do....many know how the first day can be- everything is moving out!). When I go to do it, there it is....my moon. About 3-4 hours later, I have another sit, whether I have to go or not. If nothing comes out, I know the next day will be my first heavy flow day. If something does come out, it means my flow is there in full. 

I rarely have a spill, but since accidents do happen (with products as well), I wear black underwear. I have probably had less than half a dozen soak thru spills in the last 8 years. That's likely fewer than women using pads and tampons.

FULL MOON FLOW:

DAY 1: It's most viscous today. A very dark red, lava lamp looking liquid. The main flow appears lightly clotted, and small amounts (clots) might come out between scheduled sits*. I sit (on the toilet) every two hours for the whole first day. I sit right before bed for good measure, and my flow slows to a stop while I sleep. Also during exercise and in water. 

 DAY 2: Today, I sit about every 2-4 hours, and a slightly lesser amount of brighter red, less viscous blood comes out. Usually, by the end of day two, there is much less blood than in the morning. If I exercise, I sit right after, no matter how long it's been. Sometimes there is a big flow, and sometimes none.

 DAY 3: The first sit might or might not result in anything, and if so, it will probably be lighter than the previous 2 days. Most months, this is the most variable day. It might take from 3-6 hours to accumulate a significant amount of blood for outflow. I pay close attention to the indicator. There could be a small spill today, but usually there is not. 

 DAY 4: Today, I barely have to sit for it at all. Maybe 2 or 3 times total. My moon appears to be pausing or finishing. The blood is now looking old, and the color is more brown. It might be mixed with discharge. The next three days are the clean-out.

 Day 5: There is a mix of old blood and discharge coming out, possibly each time I sit on the toilet for any reason. My uterus is cleaning itself out.

 Day 6: Maybe a little of the stuff I saw on Day 5, maybe not.

 Day 7: It's over, and there might or might not be the slightest, lightest remnants. 

*sits are not lengthy. When the blood is ready, it flows quickly.
                                            ~ 

      This discovery took several years for me to thoroughly observe, record, and understand. Of course, the details of each woman's experience will be totally unique. Those who do give it a go might or might not find success right away. Some women have irregular periods, and I do not presume to know or understand how that might affect flow overall. It is a combination of the nature of my body, mind and schedule that allowed me to achieve my results.

     It helps to have some flexibility. I work from home many days, which is quite ideal. If you try it, I recommend wearing a pad the first few months, or until you start to recognize that indicator energy. You have felt it before- that moment before you gush blood out of your body. Imagine turning that signal down a few notches. When it's time, it's time, and you might not make it to the loo in the beginning, but as that kegel muscle starts to get messages that it's once again needed, it will activate and strengthen, and you will find you are able to stop the sudden heavy outflow, and keep the spills to a reasonable minimum.

  .....and here is your lead in to part 2:

Our moon is our power period. The tasks and truths to which we dedicate ourselves during that period bear rich, nutritious, healing fruit. I cherish my moon as a gift, which burns veils and heightens intuition, bringing me to deeper awareness and sacred power. 

Stay tuned!

Love all ways,

Amelia Love Clearheart