There are a lot of changes I value coming of my current process (sobriety/recovery). One change I am feeling particularly stoked about is this deepened, firmed sense that I really don't have to say or do anything to please anyone. Previous to now, I have only felt comfort in that freedom to a limited extent, under certain conditions. These days, people might try to tell/sell me something for which I lack interest or need, recommend I do something per a certain process, or get me to say or not say something per their preference, etc. My response equates to 'Nope, that's not where I am coming from and/or not where I choose to go.'
I have long wanted to arrive at this level of authenticity of essence, lived out. That's not to say I have been inauthentic in the actions and statements I have made. I have been authentic, yet I have felt quite limited by self-judgement and insecure perception. I was contrived when I didn't want to be, manipulative when I didn't mean to be, and self-deceiving without realizing it.
I wish to share that, previously, I struggled with living out my most authentic essence consistently, and the intimacy described above was achieved on a very limited basis. There have been parts of me I did not want to see or be, and that were not surrendered. Aspects of me which I was sure the god of my heart and understanding could not accept, and especially not love, let alone any earthly human. I deemed these parts of me unacceptable, yet they were so tightly woven into my Self, and I could not figure out how to shake them.
The injury of self-hate requires potent, fearless healing. It has been very painful at times. But, recovery turned out to be just the bumpy, bouncy, spinning, crazy-ass ride to effectively jettison all that extraneous, ill-fitting, rotten, toxic old gunk for good, literally.
This is the cause and effect of the work I am doing, which is primarily of a spiritual nature. Today, I realize, with gratitude, the low that allowed for this high. Pulled between insistent ego and mortified humility, within the last several months, I experienced saying, doing, being everything I did not want, all at once. I met a complete loss of control of my ability to create my life and act from a place of trust and love. I went crazy, for all intents and purposes, and I experienced hitting the bottom. My sense of Self, my spiritual compass, my hope, my dreams, my confidence, my god all seemed to be ripped from me, almost instantly (deceptive perception). But, what was really happening was an emptying out, so I could see, and then sort through, all that had remained with me far beyond it's expiration date, causing the emotional stench leading to my experience of not being able to stand myself.
This emptying and sorting took the form of a sudden spiritual implosion, resulting in Onemelian miniscule pieces of mental, emotional and spiritual confetti, strewn across everything within my inner view. The clearing, sorting and putting it all back together is not a process that can be rushed, though I gave it my best effort. There is just so much, and many days I have just wanted it to be over!!
But, oh to be emptied- the sense of having and being nothing- it's among the greatest gifts given me this life, if not the greatest. I have experienced the most fear, confusion, rage, resentment, delusion, hopelessness and disappointment to date, and with that, I have given myself to thorough surrender, bringing me to miracle upon miracle, magic within magic, delivered by a powerful current of Divine Flow. I have visited the darkest corners of my being and psyche, just to bask in fathomless light, healing at a level and rate which can be neither qualified nor quantified, beyond the ascription of being moved by Divine Force.
What is utterly important, for countless reasons, is I am not finished with this process, and I have not been doing it alone. It has taken the entirety of multiple communities, my closest family, my inner-tribespersons, and every external resource and ounce of energy I could muster to prevail through this process. Above all, it has taken total faith in my Spirit Posse, and a fortified, fully committed, fully utilized, highly activated relationship with Creator, aka the God of my Heart, All that Is and ever will Be....my Dearest One.
I have immeasurable appreciation for every Soul I have had the honor to encounter, and in some cases, very much include in this most miraculous and magical transformation of this Being I Am. I give praise and glory to One, in the spirit of celebration. My Beloved has been there all along, with unconditional acceptance. It was I who needed to come to trust, and so receive this acceptance. I finally have.
I love mySelf today :)
-A Clearheart, aGLO
