BULLYING. I know a lot about it....
CONTEXT: When I was in 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade, I was a scholarship student at a prestigious alternative private school for smart, rich kids. It was in the woods of Bellevue.
We used to play boy chase girl/girl chase boy, and though radically unpopular, I was nice to everyone, and so allowed to play, but boys would RUN LIKE HELL from me. I never caught one. For that time from '83-'85, I was considered at least funny looking, among other off-putting prejudice based assessments. This is not meant to be a pity-party. I am processing, and I clearly need a witness or 80.
This girl, Dana, was liked by Benji, a raunchy, mini Billy Idol looking kid, and he wanted to "go with" Dana. Well, Benji was my bully, and Dana, a heathen in training, so she said to Benji "I'll go with you if you are nice to Amelia". This, for Benji, was the ultimate dehumanizing, humiliating punishment that could be bestowed upon him. He made an unforgettable "is it worth it/are you for real" face, took in a deep, defeated sigh, and agreed. She smiled her manipulative, slimy, pretentious smile at him, then at me, and I remember wanting to cry and die, and punch myself and somebody else in the face all at once.
I had a bully every school year as I recall. If no one else was being bullied, at least I was. They are sad, fear-filled, painful memories. Sometimes my teachers were my bullies. Specifically, in 1st and 5th grade; the only two years I spent in mainstream public schools.They accused me of things I didn't do, and degraded and humiliated me regularly. I started up at Summit K-12 in 6th grade, an alternative public school for troubled kids and artists (same difference), aka, real mofos, and I graduated from there, THANK GOD! (Fudged my Danish transcripts written in pencil, and took only one legit class over the course of my junior and senior years. Yes, now you know why I got a scholarship to the smart kids school. (; ) Still, I was bullied there by Danielle, and her gang of grouchy-girls until I left to be an exchange student in Copenhagen.
Anyway, I am in the process of recovering my heart, and have arrived at the moment of remembering my many bullies. Bullying is truly destructive to the young, developing psyche in general. Add deep, repressed trauma, and you get quite the bang for your bullying buck. I needed to feel safe at school, and many times, I didn't.
I played by myself a lot. Got hurt by myself, got lost, left behind, left out, kicked out, bitched out....today, it makes me angry. It makes me angry because I am about to let it all go, and I'm going through the human emotions that lead up to that. Bullies are sad people, with real problems who create tremendous collateral damage.
If you ever bullied anyone, and you have a chance to account for it, I say go for it. One of my bullies owned up 16 years later (4th grade- he kicked me in the face while swinging on the bars of our privately rented metro bus). It was meaningful to see his true remorse, though I was no longer angry. It just makes me sad to think of it, at least today.
I have had a lot of people treat me like a piece of worthless shit, and eventually I came to treat myself as such in many ways. Not all, though. I have this light, you know? You know....
Today, I cry tears of love to have cleansed my life and my Spirit of the sickness that colored my young years with self-loathing. I'm honest when I say I wouldn't change a thing. Not one. I love who I am today.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WHO I AM TODAY.
My process brought me to this current moment in my human creation.
I am profoundly blessed.
A prayer for the deep sufferers:
Bullies, be lifted into Love. Here is some to get you started:
I love you, and I forgive you, and I am sorry you have been so hurt. You deserved better, and so did I.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME BECOME THE ONE I AM TODAY.
RECEIVE~
This girl, Dana, was liked by Benji, a raunchy, mini Billy Idol looking kid, and he wanted to "go with" Dana. Well, Benji was my bully, and Dana, a heathen in training, so she said to Benji "I'll go with you if you are nice to Amelia". This, for Benji, was the ultimate dehumanizing, humiliating punishment that could be bestowed upon him. He made an unforgettable "is it worth it/are you for real" face, took in a deep, defeated sigh, and agreed. She smiled her manipulative, slimy, pretentious smile at him, then at me, and I remember wanting to cry and die, and punch myself and somebody else in the face all at once.
I had a bully every school year as I recall. If no one else was being bullied, at least I was. They are sad, fear-filled, painful memories. Sometimes my teachers were my bullies. Specifically, in 1st and 5th grade; the only two years I spent in mainstream public schools.They accused me of things I didn't do, and degraded and humiliated me regularly. I started up at Summit K-12 in 6th grade, an alternative public school for troubled kids and artists (same difference), aka, real mofos, and I graduated from there, THANK GOD! (Fudged my Danish transcripts written in pencil, and took only one legit class over the course of my junior and senior years. Yes, now you know why I got a scholarship to the smart kids school. (; ) Still, I was bullied there by Danielle, and her gang of grouchy-girls until I left to be an exchange student in Copenhagen.
Anyway, I am in the process of recovering my heart, and have arrived at the moment of remembering my many bullies. Bullying is truly destructive to the young, developing psyche in general. Add deep, repressed trauma, and you get quite the bang for your bullying buck. I needed to feel safe at school, and many times, I didn't.
I played by myself a lot. Got hurt by myself, got lost, left behind, left out, kicked out, bitched out....today, it makes me angry. It makes me angry because I am about to let it all go, and I'm going through the human emotions that lead up to that. Bullies are sad people, with real problems who create tremendous collateral damage.
If you ever bullied anyone, and you have a chance to account for it, I say go for it. One of my bullies owned up 16 years later (4th grade- he kicked me in the face while swinging on the bars of our privately rented metro bus). It was meaningful to see his true remorse, though I was no longer angry. It just makes me sad to think of it, at least today.
I have had a lot of people treat me like a piece of worthless shit, and eventually I came to treat myself as such in many ways. Not all, though. I have this light, you know? You know....
Today, I cry tears of love to have cleansed my life and my Spirit of the sickness that colored my young years with self-loathing. I'm honest when I say I wouldn't change a thing. Not one. I love who I am today.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WHO I AM TODAY.
My process brought me to this current moment in my human creation.
I am profoundly blessed.
A prayer for the deep sufferers:
Bullies, be lifted into Love. Here is some to get you started:
I love you, and I forgive you, and I am sorry you have been so hurt. You deserved better, and so did I.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME BECOME THE ONE I AM TODAY.
RECEIVE~
